loneliness in a different aspect...

Being alone always meant a trauma to me… alone… loneliness… chased me to being frantically searching for a person to be with… to give me company…

Going shopping alone always terrorized me… today was such a day…

Throughout the day I frenetically searched for someone to accompany me to Gariahat… had some nick-knacks to buy before leaving Kolkata … but to my utter dismay I realized I was all alone… my busy friends were too busy to find a bit time for me…(no offense meant to anyone … )… (Though I did not ask my college friends…!)

At times I feel all through life I have made a futile attempt to make friends…

Though I have a very few good friends whom I call my own…  I miss them… utterly… none of them are here in Kolkata… distance never matters and I know when I need them they are always there with me … I can call them up at wee hours… and cry to my heart’s content.. I know they are there to hold me whenever I fall…

But recently  I thought I had a few friends here and there whom I can call my own… but to my heart’s discontent realized none of them can find time for me in their busy schedule… some do dodge my request to go out… may be because they don’t like may company when I am alone… some merely are busy…

Whatever the case is… today was such a day…  I was crossing the road… alone… with tears trying to pour down my eyes… was feeling low… feeling bad… but suddenly a gush of wind blew over my face… for some reason or the other I looked up at the sky with disgust as I tried to manage my unmanageable tresses…

 the distinct pole start seemed to shine a bit more brightly today…  It felt good…  it relieved my heart a bit.…

whatever happens...God created me … alone… I came here alone… and will depart alone… we try to search for people to give us company… but seldom realize we are our best companion…

the inner soul that is connected to the world has many company… the nature… the air… the soft breeze … the lone pole star … the smiling moon… the soft clouds… all are but one… they will be my companion …. They are the soul of the nature…  I never felt happy... I never felt happy to be alone… but today I was…

I felt like thanking those people who denied to go out today… who were too busy with their life to find time for me… today I met myself in a different mode.. in an atypical facet…

Thank you all…

13^th June, 2010

Sanhita

Feelings know no boundary…

Have u ever trusted anyone and felt you should do everything to make that person happy…?



Have u ever yearned for anyone so much that you don’t want that person in your life… you know you are going to be with someone else…still you are happy … you know that it’s not necessary for someone to be present to care for that person.... It’s an unconditional feeling…


He may behave weirdly with me… avoid me… or even drift away from me… hate me… it does not make any difference…


He still feels for his only love… and I am happy to know that… at least someone does not forget so easily… someone is still dedicated to his love and emotions…


I am contented in knowing him… in my own way….


Someone rightly advised me last day… she said… always be with the one who makes you happy… if someone deliberately hurts you… that person never cared you… the person who makes you happy is the one who will always care for you whatever happens…I know I believed in her…


But somewhere I feel hurt… I don’t know what makes him avoid me… or what makes him distant from me… he always meant so much to me… more than a friend…high up in the sky… but from there it landed to ground zero… he is not even inclined to share most trivial matters with me …


I lost someone in my life who meant a lot to me once… I lost him because I was too late to say yes…


Now I think I am going to be a looser again…


Always missed my dream man… in life… laughter… pain… everywhere I felt my one with me…. But in life… ‘The one’ never showed up…unknowingly I always tried to search for the missing ‘The one’ in him…


But I never felt the numbness that I am feeling now… I never felt the pain in my heart … I forgot I had this feeling alive in me… I forgot I am capable of loving again… I forgot my heart can again get wrenched in pain and get elated in love… I thought those were the thoughts of the past… of a forgotten past… I never experienced this feeling for a long time… an effortless touch… a simple gaze… an unpretentious caring word just makes me happy… I don’t want to ruin the relation… I don’t want to give it any name… whenever you give any name to any relation… it dies… I don’t want this to die… I want him to be with me till I die… in a nameless relation…


I believe from my childhood days…:


if you want something, let it go… if it comes back to you it’s yours… if it does not come back to you… it was never yours…


I still believe in this… may be… someday … some odd day… sitting somewhere at a distant place… he will realize how much I craved for him… may be … someday he will understand what was there in my eyes… how much I used to get hurt when he was rude with me … how much I wanted him to be happy… if I could… I would have given all my happiness to him… just simple to see him smile… just may be… someday…


I only know:
When I look at you,
I can’t speak,
every time I try... My voice gets weak.
When I look at you,
I can’t inhale... When I try to breathe in, I just fail.
When I look at you,
Oh, those eyes… bluer than anything I’ve seen.
When you look away, something inside me dies.
When I look at you,
everything stands still...


I wonder if you feel the same, but when I think about it... I know you never will...


But one thing is for sure…Will try to keep all the promises I made… to him… As Alexander Hamilton has rightly said…. ”a promise must never be broken”


All promises made …either in words…Or through silence… mean a lot to me… today… tomorrow and always… may be keeping those promises against all odds will be a manifestation of my emotions for him… in my own way… I will let the world know … but none will ever understand… none will ever try to understand…

I will care for him in my own special way… may be he won’t ever know… may be I won’t ever show...

Some days are different…

I enjoyed this Saturday… I enjoyed it to the fullest... it has been long time that I enjoyed such a day… I did one simple thing in life… rode a bicycle for the first time… it's hard to gauge the feeling of being in the front of a cycle when someone else is riding the cycle ...for the first time...the feeling is ethereal for someone one who has never experienced what it feels to ride the bicycle that too at the age of 23...

After 23yrs of my life … I have a few chosen... a very few dear dreams… simple wishes…… that i hold close to my heart ...those may seem insignificantly silly … but I treasure those… (cannot help it if it sounds absurd!!)
Never ever felt the thrill of getting up on a cycle… it was the first time a timid idiot got up on the cycle … felt nervous… felt ecstatic at the same time… but somehow… something was different… it was too enjoyable a thing… it was like flying high in the sky… may be because of the ambience… may be I was happy… maybe it was charming really… maybe it was because of the person who was riding the cycle.. I felt secured... a blanket of warmth surrounded me... Never felt so secured in anyone’s presence... two strong arms were placed beside me… the arms though were holding the handle of the bicycle… (!!..)

Don’t know why... I should be far from such feelings...I don’t know… what I am up to... I don’t know simply… my life is my career… my dreams … my aspirations… my future depends on what I can do with my aspirations and dreams… my world depends on how I achieve my goals…but somewhere down the line I hoped I would find those hands clasping me tight… not letting me fall…

But am afraid to confront this now… am afraid to believe this… whatever happens…
May be... just may be…

… Somewhere someone sitting beyond the clouds wanted me to feel happy… somewhere someone sitting beyond the clouds wished to see me smiling for a while devoid of pain … devoid of failures and devoid of confusions…
someone somewhere wanted me to give the glimpse of ecstasy about which I was unaware of…
I owe to that someone a lot… God, Thank you. Thank you for the Saturday (20th June, 2009).

P.S: This piece of blog was written long back on 30th June, 2009, in office. It was a Tuesday. One circumstance lead to another and the blog was left unpublished.
Today I just want to add one thing:
That Saturday till date means a lot to me. I hope it will mean a lot to me always in my life…

I have a Dream... a Song to sing...

Dreams… integral part of our lives... As a child we loved to dream… still we do…
As a child I wished I could get myself transformed into female phantom (wow… that’s quite a dream I must say!) And have my own world full of animals. Tree house… golden beach… I will have the dolphins … Solomon and Nefertiti as my friends… I will ride on hero and have devil-the mountain wolf as my friend on the way…the animals will take me to be their lord... and love me like one of them...
Childhood imaginations you may say… they transformed into some realistic ones as I grew up (did I really!!)…
I wished to learn kathak once for all over again… I wished to learn synthesizer…. I wished to learn violin…I long to learn French…(don’t know why though!) I crave to own a flower boutique one day…I yearn to learn pottery … I wish to be a zookeeper… attending those baby panda or baby antelopes… cuddling them up… feeding them…their supple feel will give me the taste of 7th heaven… how much I wish… how much I crave…
as years roll by... we forget our dreams...our reality takes a toll over us... though a few are fresh in mind as hidden desires... the rest… just gone …
That’s called growing up... that’s what THEY call maturity...(though neither I have the wish to grow up nor be matured!) but I call it nothing but strangling our dreams and imaginations to death...
The first step of getting rationale was our ability to dream and imagine… eventually we kill our dreams... we unknowingly kill our love. The very root of our existence…
But even if we cease to exist … we never die… dreams die…
As the saying goes from

The Ballad Of Reading Gaol" by Oscar Wilde :

"Some kill their love when they are young,
And some when they are old;
Some strangle with the hands of Lust,
Some with the hands of Gold:
The kindest use a knife, because
The dead so soon grow cold.
Some love too little, some too long,
Some sell, and others buy;
Some do the deed with many tears,
And some without a sigh:
For each man kills the thing he loves,
Yet each man does not die….

N.B: All over again... that voice... whispered in my ears... "Sanhita... study work enjoy. Get Success. Realise your “that” one dream. But Live those childhood dreams as well ... that’s what makes you …YOU... that’s what makes Sanhita. The sanhita I knew never knew of the word quit... She was a fighter... you have to... and I know you will... you will live those dreams which may seem weird and insignificant to others... but those make you... go after it... I am with you... "
And again... as always…I know... I have to... coz that’s what makes me myself…