Random thoughts passing by!

Things happen beyond our control... we fall in love... fall out of it... dream.. let our dreams get shattered and rebuild our dreams in different dimensions... we aspire... we fail... we choose a lesser one and be happy with it...
but what if for a while everything changes... every rule that creates us... every rule that binds us... every norms that follow us... changes...


what if we just close our eyes and imagine for a while that 
1. There are no societal hindrances...
2. No other bondages...
3. None to criticize ...
4. none to spoil our ” image”...
5. None to give answer to...
6. We only have to follow your heart


What are the things we yearn to do? is there someone whom we like but cannot say so?
Is there someone whose presence lifts up our spirit…? Is there someone with whom we like spending time…? What are those things that we fancy to say to someone we love? What are the new things we wish to learn…? What are those cravings that we wish we could satiate?


Most of the time we forget to dive down in our heart and feel what we should feel and do because of things that hold us back… we forget to grasp the colours of our heart...be it black.. red... white... blue .. grey...  we are so much apprehensive about our outer world that we abandon the inner spirit... we ignore our passion… we overlook our craving… we ignore what we love…  


Break free… follow the heart… live the life as you dreamt of… love truly and be happy…during the process you would realize that the people who love you will understand you completely… the rest does not matter anymore!

I miss...

Among all the things I miss… I miss “myself” the most…

Change … change and change… how much one should change her outer world to be perfect? To pretend as if there is no tomorrow… to pretend she knows her world…

Change is the only thing constant I know… I have seen my surround change… circumstances change… and attitude of people change…

I have witnessed the “so- called” friends change… their love for me change… but one thing I have not as yet adapted to is the change in me… my inner self…

People make fun of me… they say I have not matured… and won’t ever… I have some problem with my views… I am childish… I don’t understand things…  I know none of the alleged accusations are true. It’s simply… I don’t want to think crookedly… I do not want to be a complicated grown up…  So I don’t try to bring our any alternate meaning to simple incidents… I don’t try to think too hard while talking… I choose to overlook the intricate politics… I simply choose to ignore…I have learnt that ignorance is really bliss…  Still there are those numerous so-called human beings… who take my simplicity as something fake and ostentatious.. They never fail to say things behind my back…

All the while I am trying to adapt to the surrounding to be comfortable with myself and my world... But somewhere down the line I feel I am losing myself… as days are rolling by I am having more and more sense of a lost self… I despise the surround and those people who are tending to change myself…  I resist to the best of my abilities…  I know I won’t lose the battle so easily…  I will fight…

Still…today…

Among all the things I miss… I miss “myself” the most…

the song that reminds me that someone is there... to hold me tight when nothing goes right...

Calvin and Hobbes!!

Pledge to be me!

Who Am I!!... do i really know...?

Beyond my biological and professional self there is another me that defines majority of myself. “I am a simple girl with simple choices in life.” This is the answer I used to give in the past when I asked myself “who am I?” But I know even if I still continue to be a simple girl, my choices are not simple anymore. I have a varied complex taste of different things. The very course of my life reveals that. Moreover I despise show-offs. I loathe hypocrisy, betrayal and lies. Though I can talk to anyone and everyone, I am very choosy about making friends. I rarely reveal my inner world to anyone but my very close ones. I detest nagging and shopping without a definite purpose.

I have my own set of imperfections as well. I tend to procrastinate things now and then. At times I tend to get swayed away by others, on the very contrary, at times I am so rigid that it’s very difficult to make me understand until and unless I am convinced myself. Like a typical Leo i am egoistic. I simply cannot stand it when someone hurts my ego.So I need loads of space in my life.  I am a bit short tempered which I am learning to control occasionally. Though I realize the worth of time, I tend to be impatient at times. I despise people who hover around and try to have a say in everything that comes across.

Though I have so many frailties,it does not imply that I am one of those people who pester about themselves and their outlook. I love to get drenches in rain. I adore the sweet smell of the soil after a heavy shower. I love the chirping of the birds in the wee hours of the morning. I like scribbling in my diaries, writing blogs, listening to music and reading books to pass my time. I love to be with my friends. As per my friends and my ex-colleagues my biggest strengths are my smile and my liveliness. I can smile even when I am not happy. I am a complete foodie and love any kind of food as long as it is spicy and tasty. 

I call a spade , a spade. If I cannot , then I keep quiet. In life people say never be truthful to anyone and everyone, as it may be like a double edged knife that will hurt you eventually. But as Kurt Cobain says, I also believe that I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not. 

Though there may be loads of dimensions in me which are yet to get revealed to even myself I presume this is in a nutshell what I am.

----

(P.S- As written for my MBA First sem Behavioral Science assignment with slight modifications)

Devils of my life make my life worth living for... :)

I love the “devils” of my life… they are the ones who know the inner me…they are not fake in front of me... they are THEMSELVES… they never try to be sweet with me when they feel angry … they never tell me I am right when I have done wrong… they never praise me when they know I have done a blunder… they laugh at me when I make a fool of myself but never leave me alone… they pull my legs… but correct my mistakes… they scold me… they quarrel with me…  but hug me tight when i need it the most...

 they are aware of the darker side of me … yet love me… they never try to make me the “ideal” one… they never ask me to be sweet when I feel bitter… they never ask me to smile when I feel like crying to my heart’s content… they realize when I am angry and realize the cause of my anger… They never try to brush me off with their theories rather they listen to my heart and let me follow it… they never want me to stick to the morals and principles… they always ask me to do what I truly feel to be true...

They know the real me… the know me in and out… they never misunderstand me…

My devils are my strength… my devils are my guardian angels… my pillars of life… love you a lot… miss you…

loneliness in a different aspect...

Being alone always meant a trauma to me… alone… loneliness… chased me to being frantically searching for a person to be with… to give me company…

Going shopping alone always terrorized me… today was such a day…

Throughout the day I frenetically searched for someone to accompany me to Gariahat… had some nick-knacks to buy before leaving Kolkata … but to my utter dismay I realized I was all alone… my busy friends were too busy to find a bit time for me…(no offense meant to anyone … )… (Though I did not ask my college friends…!)

At times I feel all through life I have made a futile attempt to make friends…

Though I have a very few good friends whom I call my own…  I miss them… utterly… none of them are here in Kolkata… distance never matters and I know when I need them they are always there with me … I can call them up at wee hours… and cry to my heart’s content.. I know they are there to hold me whenever I fall…

But recently  I thought I had a few friends here and there whom I can call my own… but to my heart’s discontent realized none of them can find time for me in their busy schedule… some do dodge my request to go out… may be because they don’t like may company when I am alone… some merely are busy…

Whatever the case is… today was such a day…  I was crossing the road… alone… with tears trying to pour down my eyes… was feeling low… feeling bad… but suddenly a gush of wind blew over my face… for some reason or the other I looked up at the sky with disgust as I tried to manage my unmanageable tresses…

 the distinct pole start seemed to shine a bit more brightly today…  It felt good…  it relieved my heart a bit.…

whatever happens...God created me … alone… I came here alone… and will depart alone… we try to search for people to give us company… but seldom realize we are our best companion…

the inner soul that is connected to the world has many company… the nature… the air… the soft breeze … the lone pole star … the smiling moon… the soft clouds… all are but one… they will be my companion …. They are the soul of the nature…  I never felt happy... I never felt happy to be alone… but today I was…

I felt like thanking those people who denied to go out today… who were too busy with their life to find time for me… today I met myself in a different mode.. in an atypical facet…

Thank you all…

13^th June, 2010

Sanhita

Feelings know no boundary…

Have u ever trusted anyone and felt you should do everything to make that person happy…?



Have u ever yearned for anyone so much that you don’t want that person in your life… you know you are going to be with someone else…still you are happy … you know that it’s not necessary for someone to be present to care for that person.... It’s an unconditional feeling…


He may behave weirdly with me… avoid me… or even drift away from me… hate me… it does not make any difference…


He still feels for his only love… and I am happy to know that… at least someone does not forget so easily… someone is still dedicated to his love and emotions…


I am contented in knowing him… in my own way….


Someone rightly advised me last day… she said… always be with the one who makes you happy… if someone deliberately hurts you… that person never cared you… the person who makes you happy is the one who will always care for you whatever happens…I know I believed in her…


But somewhere I feel hurt… I don’t know what makes him avoid me… or what makes him distant from me… he always meant so much to me… more than a friend…high up in the sky… but from there it landed to ground zero… he is not even inclined to share most trivial matters with me …


I lost someone in my life who meant a lot to me once… I lost him because I was too late to say yes…


Now I think I am going to be a looser again…


Always missed my dream man… in life… laughter… pain… everywhere I felt my one with me…. But in life… ‘The one’ never showed up…unknowingly I always tried to search for the missing ‘The one’ in him…


But I never felt the numbness that I am feeling now… I never felt the pain in my heart … I forgot I had this feeling alive in me… I forgot I am capable of loving again… I forgot my heart can again get wrenched in pain and get elated in love… I thought those were the thoughts of the past… of a forgotten past… I never experienced this feeling for a long time… an effortless touch… a simple gaze… an unpretentious caring word just makes me happy… I don’t want to ruin the relation… I don’t want to give it any name… whenever you give any name to any relation… it dies… I don’t want this to die… I want him to be with me till I die… in a nameless relation…


I believe from my childhood days…:


if you want something, let it go… if it comes back to you it’s yours… if it does not come back to you… it was never yours…


I still believe in this… may be… someday … some odd day… sitting somewhere at a distant place… he will realize how much I craved for him… may be … someday he will understand what was there in my eyes… how much I used to get hurt when he was rude with me … how much I wanted him to be happy… if I could… I would have given all my happiness to him… just simple to see him smile… just may be… someday…


I only know:
When I look at you,
I can’t speak,
every time I try... My voice gets weak.
When I look at you,
I can’t inhale... When I try to breathe in, I just fail.
When I look at you,
Oh, those eyes… bluer than anything I’ve seen.
When you look away, something inside me dies.
When I look at you,
everything stands still...


I wonder if you feel the same, but when I think about it... I know you never will...


But one thing is for sure…Will try to keep all the promises I made… to him… As Alexander Hamilton has rightly said…. ”a promise must never be broken”


All promises made …either in words…Or through silence… mean a lot to me… today… tomorrow and always… may be keeping those promises against all odds will be a manifestation of my emotions for him… in my own way… I will let the world know … but none will ever understand… none will ever try to understand…

I will care for him in my own special way… may be he won’t ever know… may be I won’t ever show...

Some days are different…

I enjoyed this Saturday… I enjoyed it to the fullest... it has been long time that I enjoyed such a day… I did one simple thing in life… rode a bicycle for the first time… it's hard to gauge the feeling of being in the front of a cycle when someone else is riding the cycle ...for the first time...the feeling is ethereal for someone one who has never experienced what it feels to ride the bicycle that too at the age of 23...

After 23yrs of my life … I have a few chosen... a very few dear dreams… simple wishes…… that i hold close to my heart ...those may seem insignificantly silly … but I treasure those… (cannot help it if it sounds absurd!!)
Never ever felt the thrill of getting up on a cycle… it was the first time a timid idiot got up on the cycle … felt nervous… felt ecstatic at the same time… but somehow… something was different… it was too enjoyable a thing… it was like flying high in the sky… may be because of the ambience… may be I was happy… maybe it was charming really… maybe it was because of the person who was riding the cycle.. I felt secured... a blanket of warmth surrounded me... Never felt so secured in anyone’s presence... two strong arms were placed beside me… the arms though were holding the handle of the bicycle… (!!..)

Don’t know why... I should be far from such feelings...I don’t know… what I am up to... I don’t know simply… my life is my career… my dreams … my aspirations… my future depends on what I can do with my aspirations and dreams… my world depends on how I achieve my goals…but somewhere down the line I hoped I would find those hands clasping me tight… not letting me fall…

But am afraid to confront this now… am afraid to believe this… whatever happens…
May be... just may be…

… Somewhere someone sitting beyond the clouds wanted me to feel happy… somewhere someone sitting beyond the clouds wished to see me smiling for a while devoid of pain … devoid of failures and devoid of confusions…
someone somewhere wanted me to give the glimpse of ecstasy about which I was unaware of…
I owe to that someone a lot… God, Thank you. Thank you for the Saturday (20th June, 2009).

P.S: This piece of blog was written long back on 30th June, 2009, in office. It was a Tuesday. One circumstance lead to another and the blog was left unpublished.
Today I just want to add one thing:
That Saturday till date means a lot to me. I hope it will mean a lot to me always in my life…